Weighing In

I was a little nervous today about going to the WW meeting. It was just the first week of working the program, but it had been a rough week of staying within my allotted points. It was a long holiday weekend, a holiday that is surrounded by food! I mean, there was carne asada night at my folks, wine tasting with picnic, mimosas, and who can forget the all-you-can-eat sushi joint. But I was good, I tried really hard to choose what I wanted and have correct portions.

Then there is today, Thursday. Which is a good thing usually since the science team (my team) at work has free lunch while we usually discuss whatever is the hot data for our team. I brought my lunch, knowing that the lunches provided are usually hard to say no to and full of calories and fat! Then they go and have make your own tacos! TACOS!!! With all the fixings.... YUMMY!!! I could not say no. I had 2 tacos with extra veggies, a little bit of guacamole, beans and rice. Then I went for the shortbread cookie. I had to! I only really wanted a taste (and it was not worth it). One taste of cookie that really was all that I had. So I ended up going over my points for the day by 2, but that is ok. Even with the crazy eating weekend, I hardly used up the extra points for the week. So I was safe.

But I still had to face the scale this evening. And with the bf doing so good, I was a little nervous. OK a lot nervous. I weighed in. The WW leader was quiet. Looked at me, looked at the scale and then back to the computer. She was quiet. I was getting more nervous. Then she says, "Congrats! You did great this week! Can I give you your award publicly in the meeting?" WHAT?! I did good? I get an award? How good did I do. I lost 6 pounds during the first week! I am pretty jazzed about this. I was hoping for 1-2 pounds this week, what with all the drugs I am still on.

Now I am doing the happy dance. Wanting to celebrate by eating out. But I know that that would be the wrong thing to do. So I am going to reward myself with some pudding and a silly movie.

And the award was to mark that I had lost the first 5 pounds. A good goal! Now onto the next goal, my 5%... so only a few more pounds to go...

Less is Better

Almost done with my second week of work since my return to the real world. Not quite two full weeks, but it is close enough. Each day is a little bit better. Each day is less.

Less weird at work ~

• less comments/questions about where I have been
• less discussions about my health

Less in life ~

• definitely less high fat foods
• puffy cheeks are starting to lose some of that puff
• the bf weighed in after week 1 of WW and is doing awesome! Less 6 pounds without cutting the hair! YAY!!! Way to go! (I do not weigh in until tonight, but hoping to also report a little less poundage)
• I am wearing rings today! No swelling of the fingers and I have been at work all day, typing away. What an improvement!
• Also, my feet are wearing fancy schmancy shoes (ok, fancy for me) and those feet are still in the shoes. No tap dancing around the office barefoot today.

These small changes of less are HUGE!

Every day is a little bit better than the last. Hope this trend stays for a while.

Coming To Terms With The Scale

While I must admit that I LOVED having the time off from work (more than I ever realized I would). I now have to deal with the reality of returning to work and oh my goodness!, what changes have occurred within / around / near my body. Somethings I am powerless to change ~ the deep sunken eyes and the swollen, puffy cheeks ~ all due to steroids. And will come off eventually, when I am no longer taking them, but that is going to be a while. This is my mantra ~ it is not permanent...

It really is the overall weight gain which is stashed somewhere between the thighs and boobs that has caused me to no longer fit into my pants which were swimming on me in February!!! To do something about this weight gain, to make me accountable for what I stuff in my mouth, I joined Weight Watchers today. I knew I had gained weight. The clothes did not fit. I just do not like the way I look. But the WW scale tells no lies. In this short 10 weeks, I have gained 27 pounds! YIKES!!! It can be "hidden" with properly fitted clothes. But I really do not wish to have to buy a new wardrobe. I like the old size 10 body and my wardrobe is FINALLY fitted to that old body.

I knew I had gained weight. Who is to blame? I could blame the weight gain all I wanted to on the steroids, other new drugs, feeling bad for myself, just eating MORE, being sick, etc, etc. But I will not! I need to take ownership of my body and my life. WW will allow me to be honest with what I shovel into my mouth and with my true weight. Hopefully, even with the steroids and other drugs, I can begin to lose these extra few pounds.

It may take a while, but no more excuses. The first goal is just to lose 9 pounds ( or 5%).... we shall see how long this takes...

Even the BF is going to do the WW plan with me. YAY for support!!!
Wish us luck!

What People Say

Yesterday was my first day back to work after 10 weeks off. It was a nice mellow day full of interesting comments and really no work. Most of the day can be summed up within the following four topics:

• welcome back - how are you feeling? (talked more about my health yesterday than I had all of last month).
• you were gone??? (this by someone in marketing who I rarely interact with, so it is ok).
• the one I was dreading - You have gained weight! ~ Really, no way, I would never have noticed that! Who says that to someone? Really? SRSLY??? Yes, I know I have gained some weight, but hey, I have been sick and recovering.
  
• and my personal favorite of the day, sincerely meaning this: "You have such a good attitude about you today and I noticed you are smiling a lot. It looks good on you!" ~ What an amazing thing to say! The person then asked me what the difference was, I said that I am no longer in constant pain and getting away was a nice break, good both physically and mentally.
  

Now people, when someone comes back from an illness, focus on the positive DO NOT TELL THEM THAT THEY ARE FAT, cuz I am sure that they know that they are no longer the svelte beauty they once were. And it is just rude! But I was expecting the fat comment, from somewhere, someone, just was not expecting it yesterday. Oh well. It was rather funny. At least that is how I took it.

Round 2

Yesterday I had the second round of Rituxan treatment. I met with the doctor and we discussed the few side effects I had last time. Then he walked me over to the clinic and the nurses whisked me away....

It was a long day. The plan was to drug me and ramp the drip up to 200 cc/hr and leave it there until all 1000 cc were in me. They loaded me with Benadryl, Tylenol, and steroids to prevent any side effects and started the Rituxan. The rest of the day was really uneventful, at least for me. I watched movies on the iPod and crocheted a blanket and chatted with my neighbors and people watched (good people watching day). And then my day was done.

I was the second person in the clinic and one of the last ones out. At least this time I was not THE LAST ONE on a Friday night there.

Now I just wait to see if it all works. Hopefully it will work. And if it does work, then I will be back at the clinic in six months to do 2 more rounds of treatment. The treatment really is not bad at all. It is just a long day stuck in a chair hooked up to an IV people watching and keeping yourself entertained.

I did find out how much weight I have gained. They weighed me 2.5 weeks ago when I met with the doctor and then again yesterday before treatment. I have gained 9 pounds. Not too bad. But I think most of it has landed on my face! I have chipmunk cheeks that the squirrels would die for! Definitely storing food for the next few winters. Luckily, most of my weight gain is due to the steroids I am taking and should come off once I stop taking them. Who knows when that will be. In the meantime, I just need to keep watching what I eat in a healthy way, not the watching the food go from plate to fork to mouth kind of way, and keep exercising.

Fat Face

The other day, I was hanging out with my grandmother and her older sister. Now my grandmother has Alzheimer's. We were looking at photos and my great aunt was asking if grandma knew any of the people in the photos. Grandma looks up at her sister and says she does not know who she is. Then turns to me and says, of course I know her, that's Fat Face.

Well, that's a new one on me. I know I have gained some weight, but SRSLY! Fat Face!!! My grandma has always had issues with weight. She would live off of lettuce leaves and broccoli and always had a comment about someone's weight, especially if they were related. Weight and body image were very important to her while growing up. And continued to be important to her as she raised her children. But now that she has full blown Alzheimer's there is no filter.

We ended up taking grandma out for ice cream. And while at the parlor there was this one family there, a mom and her 2 kids. What was interesting about them, was that they were the family that Super Size Me is about. The family was overweight and the kids wanted ICE CREAM!!! They all had a cone when we walked in. They ALL ordered ANOTHER cone while we were eating ours. And then they left. But only to come back, so that the son could have another cone. The mom said it was ok as long as he ordered a sorbet. The daughter also wanted another scoop, but her wish was not granted. I was shocked.

Growing up, we would go out for ice cream as a treat and there was no way we were getting a second ice cream, much less a third. I had never seen anything quite like this before. And amazingly grandma kept her mouth shut! She just glared at the family, but never said one word. Probably because it was stuffed full of her single scoop of cookies n cream.

I remember watching the Super Size Me documentary thinking that you do not have to order everything on the menu, you do not have to get a large. But here in front of me it was happening. It was a very surreal cultural moment for me, one that I had not really experienced before.

Ironically, later that same evening, grandma told me how great I looked and that I had lost tons of weight. Now I have gained some weight and it is REALLY obvious in the face, so I just laughed and joked around with grandma.

What else can you do?