22 July 2009


"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when ...
it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

---Frank Herbert, Dune

One of my favorite quotes keeps running through my head as the last few days have been filled with fear and trepidation. As the medicine taper continues, my body is beginning to show its strong distaste to the taper. The body is temperamental these days, starting off with a small whine of annoyance that I would dare remove the precious steroid to the all out temper tantrum, that has me in near tears.

And then this week I must taper even further. I must drop to 5 mg. While I should be shouting for joy, that this glorious moment has arrived, that all of these past 5 months have been worth it, I am paralyzed with fear.

I want to up my dose. I do not want to keep decreasing. I do not like the way I feel. The way the body screams back at me on a daily basis. The way I have to hide it from the world. I mean, I am getting better, I am not supposed to have set backs. I am not supposed to hurt. I am not...

These setbacks are preventing me from committing to events that I want to commit to. For instance, I really would like to compete in a triathlon. Not one of those Iron Man's or anything. I know I do not have the skills for that event, but one of those small, I could walk it if I had to, triathlon events. There is one coming up. It is short. Some friends are doing it. I could possibly compete in it with some training. BUT I am afraid to commit. I am afraid since I tried to bike ride this weekend and it was a huge failure. Part failure due to the equipment and part because of me, because my body decided to throw a small temper tantrum. I could barely make it around the block on the bike. I am scared because I do not know what my body will be like tomorrow, much less 2 months from now.

I feel like I am giving into my fears. I hate that. I do not know what to do to fix it. This is not one of those, just push through the pain moments and you will succeed. Not one of those, "Don't be a wuss moments". These days this is the reality that I am struggling to not only accept but make life work.

I only hope that in the end, that I could be exactly where the quote ends, "Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." Then I will be in a better place and it will have all been worth it.

I think I will go watch Dune tonight - the David Lynch version.