This past Monday was my first day on my break. Err...I guess disability leave... That's right! If you did not know it, I am taking a leave of absence from work, to focus on ME! This will give me time to get the right treatments, get healthier and just breathe. I know it is the right decision to do this, but it really is difficult.
Difficult to have to admit to being THAT SICK
Difficult to not go to work, when your brain and body still function
Difficult, when you look "normal" "healthy" for the most part
Difficult, when you have to look that dirty word DISABILITY squarely in the eye
Friday was my last day of work and I had to wrap a few things up. I really should not have stayed at work until 9pm. But I did. Not because the work was all that much, but because I simply did not want to leave. I did not want to have to deal with anything. I realized as I was walking out the door, tears streaming down my face, that I had used work as a crutch for the past two weeks to help me not cope with what was really going on . That walking out those RainForest doors meant my barriers, that I had so nicely put up in my corner of the RF, came crashing down. Even once I realized what was going on, I could not stop the emotional rollercoaster that followed. So Friday was really not a fun night. It was a pity party! And I was the guest attraction. YAY ME!!! The bf was awesome. He just held me and then when I was calm took me around the corner to the local Denny's to carbo load - mound of french toast, hash browns smothered in cheese - and pound hot chocolates. Oh the hot chocolates they did come!
I am hoping the pity parties are out of my system. But I think they will be back at some point. Just hopefully not for awhile. Maybe they should take a break too.
I was really worried what I would do to fill all my daylight hours. What does one do while on disability but their disability is intermittent? And after a few days of it, realized this was the right decision. As I have spent most of my daylight hours on the phone, hunting down prescriptions, filling out paperwork, sitting in doctors offices, all to get everything organized and planned out. I really want to start treatment NOW!
I find that mornings I am at my best. My hands are working for the most part and I feel good. Usually around 2pm it all starts going down hill. So I take a break and after a few hours of R&R I can use my hands again. So to keep me busy beside the daily office work, I have been reading and knitting. And have actually made some great progress on a pair of socks! The Berry Season sock!
I even managed to finish the heel flaps while at the oncologists office yesterday. Which BTW went well. Looks like I should start treatment next week. Just as soon as I get the meds (which is more of a headache than it should be). But the treatment is just going to be unpleasant. Supposedly during the first few infusions, there is a high chance you get an allergic reaction to the drug. YAY FUN! Thankfully, I only have to do this twice. I just want it over with!
Ok, must re-call pharmacy and find out where's the Rituxan?!